


I promise you

by HamilHam



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Car Accidents, Character Death, Death, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27285835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamilHam/pseuds/HamilHam
Summary: A year after Eliza and Philip die in a car accident, Alexander is still suffering. He keeps having dreams of that exact moment, and he can't seem to stop blaming himself. He's pushing everyone he loves away so they won't find out the truth. They can't know how he truly feels.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton/Thomas Jefferson/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler
Comments: 17
Kudos: 49





	I promise you

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So this is a collab with gagakumadraws and I! This is our yearly anniversary collab! Her part is here:  
> https://gagakumadraws.tumblr.com/post/633425944172986368/if-all-else-perished-and-he-remained-i-should
> 
> Now, there is a mention of a fatal car accident. It's not described, just alluded to. The character blacks out before anything is truly mentioned. The moment is in italics at the beginning, so skip that if you think it might trigger you! There is a mention of death and self blame as well, so keep that in mind!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!!

_ Something wasn’t right, Alexander knew it. He didn’t know what it was, so he pushed that feeling aside. He looked to his right and smiled at his wife, then chanced a glance over his shoulder at his sleeping son, perched comfortably against the right back seat window. Nothing was wrong, as far as he could tell. He was probably just being paranoid. He drove through the green light, then looked at Eliza when she gasped loudly. All he saw was a bright set of lights and Eliza’s terrified eyes looking into his. There was a loud crash and everything went dark. _

\--

Alexander jolted awake and let out a loud cry, then looked around frantically. He needed to find Eliza and Philip; he needed to make sure they were okay! However, before he could get up to do it, he found himself wrapped in a firm embrace. He curled into it instinctively, then heard the low rumble of Thomas’ voice telling him it was okay. He took a few moments to just lay in Thomas’ embrace as he slowly woke up properly. He didn’t have to look for Eliza and Philip, he wouldn’t find them. His dream wasn’t just a dream, it was the memory of the night they died at the hands of a drunk driver. Alexander let out a broken sob as he clung to Thomas. It had already been a full year since they died, but he was still just as broken as the day he woke up in the hospital and found out what he’d lost. 

Thomas just held him close and rocked him in his arms. His heartbeat was enough to calm Alexander slightly, and soon he stopped sobbing. He just laid in Thomas’ arms, tears falling silently down his face. Every time he had this dream, Thomas always asked the same thing. “What happened?” Thomas whispered softly.

Every time Thomas asked that question, Alexander’s answer remained the same. “They died…” He whispered brokenly.

He never got into detail about it; he couldn’t. He was only ever able to do it once for the police when no one else was in the room. He couldn’t let Thomas know what happened. It was his own fault, after all. He didn’t react fast enough, so he got his wife and child killed. Thomas couldn’t know, because Thomas loved Eliza and Philip just as much as Alexander did. They were a family, along with their other kids, and Alexander broke them apart. He could barely talk most days, he just worked and entertained the kids. They were the only people he really spoke to, because they never pressed for answers. They only looked for comfort and love, which was all Alexander could provide. He knew it was pushing everyone, including Thomas, away, but he couldn’t help it. He would rather push them away by being distant than lose them after telling them it was his fault.

Alexander felt Thomas deflate and prepared himself for the pressing questions that always came. He waited, but nothing happened. Thomas just pulled him closer and sighed softly. Alexander pulled away slightly and looked up at him. “Thomas?” He asked softly.

Thomas just smiled down at him, the pain clear in his eyes. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me. We can talk about it when you’re ready. Today is the anniversary, so why don’t we get up and make a nice breakfast for the kids so they have something nice to wake up to.” Thomas whispered.

That’s right, it was a year ago today that Alexander got part of his family killed. He bit his lip and nodded. “Okay…” He whispered. 

He pushed himself to the end of the bed and grabbed his prosthetic sleeve. He pulled it over what was left of his right leg, then fit the stump into his prosthetic. He grabbed the bar they attached beside the bed and pulled himself up. He still wasn’t used to having a prosthetic leg, having spent most of the year in a wheelchair. He shuffled from foot to foot, then looked down. He remembered waking up and seeing that he lost his right leg from just above his knee and feeling nothing. He’d just stared at it, then decided that it was his punishment for killing his family. His kids thought his prosthetic was cool, they called it his robotic leg. He didn’t mind it, but it was a little hard to get used to. He didn’t bother to get changed, he just walked to the door.

Thomas looked over at him and smiled a little. “You’ve only had that thing for a week and you’re already walking so well. I’m glad, darlin’” He said.

Alexander smiled a little at the praise and nodded. “I’m glad I’m getting used to it. Though I think I’m going to fall down the stairs if I try to walk.” He said sheepishly. 

Thomas gave Alexander a wry grin and pulled a fresh shirt on. “Maybe you should just scoot down the stairs on your ass.” He said.

Alexander snorted hard and grinned right back at Thomas. “Don’t think I won’t.” He said, then walked to the stairs to do just that.

He slowly lowered himself onto the first step and turned to look Thomas in the eyes. “Watch me.” He said.

Thomas walked after him and leaned on the wall with an amused smile. “I’m watching, and all I’m seeing is a little gremlin sitting on his ass doing nothing.” He retorted.

Alexander opened his mouth to reply, but his daughter Angelica burst out of her room and just stared at them. She then looked up at Thomas, then back at Alexander. “Daddy, why is Tommy just staring at you? Are you okay? Why are you sitting down?” She ran to his side and sat on the stairs beside him.

Alexander saw this as the perfect chance to get back at Thomas and have some fun. He gave Angelica a cute pout and crossed his arms. “I can’t walk down the stairs and he told me to slide down on my butt. Isn’t that rude?” He asked.

Thomas let out a strangled gasp and didn’t have any time to respond before little Angelica was glaring up at him. “ _ So  _ rude! Tommy, how could you!? You should carry Daddy like a princess!” She exclaimed.

Alexander barked out a laugh, then grinned up at Thomas and held up his hands. “Yeah,  _ Tommy _ . I’m a princess, treat me like one.” He said, knowing just how much Thomas hated being called that by anyone other than the kids.

It was the first time he’d properly smiled at Thomas since the accident, but Thomas didn’t even pause. He didn’t get flustered at the nickname either. He just laughed and scooped Alexander up into his arms. “Fine, fine. Sorry  _ princess,  _ I should have just whisked you off your feet in the beginning.” He walked down the stairs as he spoke.

Alexander laughed and touched Thomas’ cheek. He couldn’t believe he was laughing and even joking around with Thomas today. It felt good, and he felt like maybe he could get better. He looked at Thomas’ lips, then into his eyes. “You did that years ago.” He breathed, then pressed a soft kiss to Thomas’ perfect lips. 

They stayed like that for a moment, just enjoying it. They had kissed little since the accident, they only really hugged and barely spoke. It felt good to slip back into how they used to be before everything fell apart. They pulled apart and Alexander grinned a little. “Gonna let me down now, Tommy?” He asked.

Thomas glowered at him and loosened his grip slightly. “I should drop you on your fucking ass.” He growled.

Little Angelica ran up to them in that moment and glared up at Thomas once again. She was just as intimidating as her namesake, that was for sure. “Don’t you  _ dare! _ Tommy, stop being mean to Daddy!” She demanded.

Thomas instantly tightened his grip on Alexander and smiled innocently down at Angelica. “No, no, it’s okay. Why don’t you go help your siblings get up? Daddy and I are going to make some breakfast for you guys, okay?” He asked.

Angelica stared at Thomas suspiciously, then she crossed her arms defiantly. “Do I get to have orange juice?” She asked.

Thomas laughed softly and nodded. “Yes, you can have orange juice.” He said.

Angelica cried out happily and hugged Thomas’ leg, then ran off to do as she was told. Alexander laughed at her antics and shook his head. “She’s quite the force to be reckoned with.” He said.

Thomas nodded, then set Alexander down gently. He grinned a little at Alexander and headed to the kitchen. “I think she spends too much time with her aunt.” He said.

Alexander laughed and pulled the eggs and milk from the fridge. They were going to make waffles for the kids; it was their favourite. “Maybe, but I think it’s nice. Now, get me some coffee, please.” He said, then got to work on the waffles. 

They fell into a comfortable silence and just worked around one another. They were a perfect team when they wanted to be, that was certain. Soon, the table was set, and the kids were eating their breakfast. Alexander sat at the table and cut into his own waffle, but stopped when Angelica was staring intently at him. He raised an eyebrow and put his fork down. “What’s up?” He asked.

Angelica stuffed her mouth with some waffles and chewed slowly, leaving Alexander to wonder what she wanted to say for a solid two minutes. She washed her food down with some orange juice, then met his eyes seriously. “How do you pee with one of your legs missing? Do you sit or do you stand?” She asked.

Alexander heard Thomas choking on his food beside him and was glad he wasn’t eating his own food when she spoke. He rubbed Thomas’ back and chuckled softly. “That’s not the most appropriate question to ask, Angie. But if you must know, I will sit if I’m being lazy but I’ll stand if I don’t want to sit.” He said.

Angelica nodded sagely and sipped her juice. “That will be all.” She said and got back to eating.

Things quieted down after that, but all good things had to end. Just as Alexander was finishing his food, William spoke up. “Daddy, are Mommy and Philip really dead?” He asked.

Alexander felt like all the happiness he’d built up inside himself was sucked out. He set his fork down and looked at his food, then he looked at William and smiled sadly. It took everything in him to not break down crying then and there. “Yeah… They’re gone, William. I’m sorry… I know it’s hard, but it will be okay…” He said, voice barely above a whisper.

The mood in the room dropped suddenly, and everyone just settled into an uncomfortable silence. Alexander finished his food despite feeling like he would throw up. He got up and put his dishes in the sink. “Can you…?” He asked Thomas.

It was clear as day that Alexander needed to get away. He was barely holding himself together, and he felt like he was going to either break down or throw up. Neither was something he wanted to do in front of his kids, so he needed to get away now. Thomas thankfully understood that and waved him off. “I got it, you go lay down. It’s going to be a hard day on us all.” He whispered.

Alexander nodded, then gave all his kids a hug and rushed up the stairs. He had to practically crawl his way up because of his prosthetic, but he still got up there. Once he got to the room he shared with Thomas, he crawled into the bed and broke. He sobbed into the pillow, unable to keep it in any longer. That was too much on him, and he couldn’t handle it any longer. 

He sobbed for what felt like hours, then he just laid there silently. He wasn't able to fall asleep, so he just stared numbly at the wall. He heard Thomas come into the room, but he didn’t turn to him. He knew what was about to happen, and he wanted no part of it. He tensed up a little when Thomas touched his arm, and he bit his lip as he waited for the ball to drop. “You need to talk to me about this, Alexander. We can’t keep living like this. We finally had a wonderful moment, then it all crashed down. You need to talk to me, sugar.” Thomas said soothingly.

Alexander didn’t speak, he just kept staring at the wall. Maybe if he ignored Thomas long enough, he would go away. Alexander couldn’t handle this right now, or probably ever. He just wiped his eyes and sniffled loudly, trying to dismiss Thomas in the only way he knew how.

Thomas didn’t seem to take the hint this time. He just sighed loudly and moved more onto the bed. “This isn’t like you, Alexander. You were always the one to talk, not me. You took every chance you could to tell me off, or to tell me how much you loved me. This isn’t you, babe.” He said desperately.

Alexander felt a single tear slip down his cheek and he bit his lip hard. He knew he couldn’t keep ignoring Thomas; it was hurting them both too much. He turned to Thomas and shook his head. “Have you seen me? I’m  _ not _ myself anymore, Thomas! I’m missing a leg, my wife, and one of my children! I can’t be the man you once knew, he died with them!” He finally snapped.

Thomas was taken aback by Alexander’s words, then his gaze hardened slightly. His eyes were filled with the same pain Alexander was feeling. “I lost them too, Alexander.” He said, voice scarily calm.

Alexander felt all his emotions bubble over and he couldn’t control himself anymore. All the secrets he’d kept for the full year were just too much, so he had to let them out. He sat up quickly and glared at Thomas, eyes filled with tears. “BUT YOU WEREN’T THE ONE WHO KILLED THEM!” He yelled.

Both men went silent after Alexander’s outburst. Alexander deflated instantly while Thomas looked confused and worried. “What… Do you mean by that? Of course I didn’t kill them… It was a drunk driver, Alexander…” Thomas whispered.

Alexander shook his head and wrapped his arms around himself. “I… I did it… It was my fault…” He choked out.

Thomas shook his head again and scooted closer to Alexander. “How was it your fault, Alexander? You weren’t the one drinking and driving. You got t-boned at an intersection and you lost your freaking leg because of it. How the hell was it your fault?” He asked.

Alexander felt more tears leak out, and he bit his lip. He wanted to stop talking, but he had to finish what he started. He couldn’t leave it like that, not anymore. “I… I didn’t react fast enough… I just looked into her eyes, Thomas… I could have sped up and maybe gotten through safely… I froze and it got them killed… I killed them…” He whispered brokenly.

Alexander couldn’t understand why Thomas wasn’t yelling at him. He expected anger, tears, or Thomas just walking out. Instead, he was enveloped in Thomas’ firm embrace as he sobbed. He clung to the man for dear life as he broke down in his arms. He didn’t understand why Thomas was doing this, he should throw him out of the house by now! He tensed up slightly when he heard Thomas speak, but his words just had him breaking more. “That wasn’t your fault. Things like that happen all the time, Alexander. Even if you sped up, it might have gotten Philip killed still, or you all could have died. You did what you could, and you survived. I know it hurts but… But at least I still have you, Alexander.” He whispered. 

Alexander couldn’t explain the relief that took over him. Hearing someone else say it made him feel a little better, but he still couldn’t fully believe it. “But… But they’re gone… I… We… We lost them…” He whispered.

Thomas nodded and ran his fingers through Alexander’s hair. “We lost them, but we still have each other. We need to be there for the kids, and we need to be there for one another. We can’t shut down, Alexander.” Thomas whispered.

Alexander gripped Thomas’ shirt hard and nodded. He then paused when a horrible thought crossed his mind. “W-what if I lose you too?” He asked. 

He couldn’t lose Thomas, that would be too much for him to bear. He barely got by after losing Eliza and Philip. He didn’t know what would happen if he lost Thomas too. He felt the fear grip his heart, and it was all he could do not to give in to it. “What if you die, Thomas? What would I do…?” He asked.

Thomas just rocked him in his arms and hummed a soft tune to help Alexander relax. Once Alexander’s breathing was back under control, Thomas spoke. “I won’t die, Alexander. Not before I’m old and grey.” He said.

Alexander looked up at him with wide, pleading eyes. “Promise…?” He asked.

Thomas nodded and pressed a soft kiss to Alexander’s lips. “I promise.” He whispered.

That was all Alexander needed to hear. They spent a little longer in their sweet embrace, then they went down to spend time with the kids. They were all dealing with the loss, and they had to make sure the kids were okay too. Alexander would not let them deal with the grief on their own ever again. He was going to get help for his own issues, then help them in turn. It’s what Eliza and Philip would have wanted.

\--

Alexander walked through the cemetery, a mix of some of Thomas’ favourite flowers in his hands. He wasn’t a huge fan of flowers himself, but Thomas was always anal that Alexander got the best ones. He smiled a little as he walked, more steady on his leg now that he’d had it for a good year. He turned and walked towards the plot he’d come here to visit and sighed softly. He stopped in front of it and bit his lip. He thought he was okay by now, but he was wrong. Tears filled his eyes and his throat closed up as he looked at the name on the stone.

He took a deep breath, then tried to force a smile through his tears. It didn’t work out though, and he choked on a sob. He took a moment to collect himself, then he straightened his stance. He didn’t quite know what to say, so he just stood there with the flowers in his hands. Finally, he lowered himself to his knees and placed the flowers down. He touched the headstone and felt a few more tears fall. He took a deep breath and finally found his voice. “You promised…” He whispered.

He traced Thomas’ name and let out one final sob. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to the stone and just breathed. He smelled the flowers he’d gotten for Thomas, and it pulled a small smile out of him. He didn't feel happy, but he knew Thomas would want to see it. Thomas always loved his smile, so he smiled at least once a day. His smile was the last thing Thomas saw, so he had to keep doing it. 

One thing was for sure though, he wouldn’t let anyone else make a promise to him. If they did, he would lose them too. A promise would never be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not even sorry.


End file.
